By Paul Varnell

“So ... How come you’re not married?” a heterosexual friend asked me some time back. Since he knows I am gay, obviously “married” meant something like “in a partnered relationship.”

And, of course, now that two states, including the most populous U.S. state, formally permit gay marriage, not just civil unions or domestic partnerships, and a few other states such as New York recognize out-of-state gay marriages, the question can have some additional significance.

I’ve heard the question before from others, phrased in different ways, but they all come down to putting the burden of explanation on the unpartnered guy.

“Why is a nice guy like you still single?” or even “Don’t you want to get married?”

And sometimes I hear a little more bite in the question, as if the questioner is expressing something like moral disapproval that I am still single—and at my age, too. Or they are actually wondering, “What’s wrong with you that you don’t have a partner?”

I don’t suppose I have a really satisfactory answer to any of these questions—satisfactory on their terms, anyway. You ask married couples—straight or gay—why they got married and they say something like, “Well, we fell in love and wanted to spend our lives together.” In fact many gay couples getting married have already been together for years and are just formalizing the relationship. So I suppose the parallel response from me would have to be, “I didn’t fall in love with anyone I wanted to spend my life with.”

Married or partnered couples see marriage as the most natural thing in the world. I just never did and so never particularly sought it. But that seems a feeble answer, so I’ve tried to come up with some snappier ones.

“No one ever proposed.” “I’m still waiting for Mr. Right to come along but he hasn’t yet.” “Maybe I’m just not good-looking (or interesting, or charming) enough to attract someone.” “I guess I’m too individualistic; I like living alone—my life is my own.” “Maybe I don’t send out the right erotic signals, whatever they are, to attract someone.” But all these amount to the same general response: “I assumed it might happen at some point, but it didn’t.” Nor have I ever felt that there was a hole in my life that I needed another person to fill.

Sometimes I am tempted to instruct—or remind—my questioner about the pleasures of the single life. My time is my own. I can go to bed early or late, as I like. I can eat when and what I want. I can be moody without anyone else asking me what’s wrong. I can go places without having to check with another person if it’s OK. I don’t have to put up with another person’s whims, moods, problems and “issues.” I’m never lonely: I have interests that fill my mind and occupy my time. If I want company, I can call a friend to go somewhere or do something.

But these reasons seem to cut no ice with partnered people. And some of my reasons refer to things they explicitly reject or regard with distaste, even fear.

Some people seem to need—I don’t know what else to call it—the validation of being with another person, as if that proves they have some value (to whom? to themselves?) otherwise insufficiently evident. I’ve never felt that need. Or they feel the need for another person to somehow complete themselves. But, of course, even if they wonder what is wrong with me that I am single, I am far too polite to turn the tables on partnered gay couples and ask them what is wrong with them that they feel the need for someone else. Or, more bluntly, how come they cannot thrive being single.

I’m sure I’d be pleased if some handsome, fascinating man wanted to spend more time with me, yet somehow allow me all that autonomy I value. But I am a fairly quiet, ruminative man. I live almost entirely inside my head. And there is no way I could manage to be equally interesting or attractive to some such person. Yes, they say opposites attract. But I reply, “Not enough.” And I am comfortable with that fact.

Do not misunderstand. Partnered relationships are fine for people who want or need them, and many people obviously do. And no one is more pleased than I that gays and lesbians can now actually marry. I have over the years argued repeatedly for legalizing gay marriage, and I am gratified that it is finally happening, at least in some states. It just doesn’t seem to be something I want for myself.

Some of Paul Varnell’s previous columns are posted at the Independent Gay Forum (www.indegayforum.org). His email address is pvarnell@aol.com.